Love Massage

Love Massage

1. ! Girl To A Tattoo Artist:

How Much Do U Charge For Tattooing

An Animal Just Above My Knee?

Artist: -£100 For Tiger, Rabit And Lion,

But Giraffe Is Free

2. Never reject a girl in life bcoz a gud girl gives u Happiness

and bad girls gives u experience..

Both r essential in life...So enjoy every girl Friend!!!!

3. If there is one mistake in my whole life that i can't tolerate. It is when i have loved, though I knew it wouldn't be appreciated.

4. Why do guys always have to say:

I'm going to court you now for you to be my girl.

Isn't it nicer to say:

Just love me now and be my girl and I'll court you forever.

5. Q. Last but not least Secret of long life

A. Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night two legs

6. One day there was this naked man and elephant, the elephant looks at the naked man for a few seconds, ask the naked man, "HOW CAN YOU BREATH THROUGH THAT LITTLE THING?"

7. Teacher: Name some films that have almost same stories?

Pappu: Madam, Blue films.

8. Met a girl the other day who has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh. It's amazing, if you put your ear to it you can smell the sea!

9. Which Part...

of a man's body

has no bone

full of veins

loves pumping

and responsible 4

making LOVE!

ANSWER:

HEART!!! But i luv the way u think...

10. A man had "I LOVE YOU" tattooed on his dick. He went home and proudly showed his wife. "There you go again, trying to put words into my mouth", she said

11. Fuck it off…

12. It's better to stay away from girls. Only one or two can bring SMILE to your life, remaining will steel your HAPPINESS from your life santhu

13. one day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked.

I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"

He said, "Because you came home early."

14. A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

15. Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?

Boy: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.

16. there are 3 chambers in my heart.

1 for ALLAH

1 for ABBOO

1 for AMMEE

Oh wat about u dear?

Sorry no place 4 u in my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bcoz

You Are MY HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

17. I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets:

One to get in and another to get out.

18. How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

19. A man said 2 his doctor 'everytime I look in the mirror I get an erection' the doctor said 'that’s because u look like a cunt!

20. I'm popey the sailorman, I'm member of the klu klux clan, when I pull the triger, I kill a fuc***g nigger. I'm popey the sailor man, toet toet.

21. Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!

22. Are you free tonight, or will it cost me? I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your flat?

23. I’m not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get

24. Clouds r white but the sky is blue,monkey like u should b kept in the zoo, dont get angry ull find me there too,not in the cage but laughing at u. ha! ha! hav

A man can kiss his wife goodbye. A flower can kiss a butterfly.Wine can kiss a frosted glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass!

25. Santa: What's difference between man & Superman?

Pappu: Man wears underwear under the trouser & superman wears it over the trouser.

26. Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?

Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

27. Jeeto: yelled at Santa: U're gonna b really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!

Santa: Make up ur mind! Which one is it gonna be?

28. Santa was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered: Waiting for autumn.

29. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!

30. See what a spelling mistake can do...

Santa went to Goa. Sent SMS to his wife: Having a wonderful time, wish u were Her

31. Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto, Banta asks: Y r u removin a wheel from ur auto?

Santa: Can't u read 'Parking for two wheelers only'

32. sardar `s girlfriend removed all of her clothes and said

" Treat me like your wife" sardar picked up her clothes and started to wash them ............!

33. Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Santa: Tipu's skeleton.

Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?

Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child

34. A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.

Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days.

Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out

35. take me 2 a lonely place

make sure noone is watching

rip me naked

hold me by my waist take me to ur lips

and........................

have a break and have a kitkat.

36. Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?

Santa: I may also die.

Jeeto: Why?

Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.

37. 2- Sardar Ji calls Air India.

"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"

"Just a sec," says the rep.

Thank you." says the Sardar ji and hangs up.

38. A short thing

its get longer as u hold it

& pass between woman’s breast

& enters into a small hole

What is it?

39. A man while making love to his maid,

exclaimed ‘Martha ur are sweeter than my wife’

The maid smiled and said

‘i know ‘cos the driver always tells me so’

40. It’s the thing that satisfies

ur mind, body & soul!

Do it on bed, on a sofa,

in the car or anywhere!

It’s called Prayer!

God bless ur naughty mind.

41. Love is a gamble,

Sex is a game,

Boyz do the thing

Girls get the blame,

1 night in pleasure

9 months of pain

1 day in hospital and

a junior needs a name

42. Girl:It’s 2 tight

Boy:Don’t worry,I’ll do it slowly,

Gal:Push it in,

Boy:Ah..I can’t,

Gal:It’s painful,

Boy:Forget it.

.

.

.

.

We’ll buy new WEDDING RING!

43. Boy and girl of class 2 asked teacher:

“can kids of our age have kids?”

Teacher replied ” NO Never!!”

Boy said to girl :

“see i told you not to worry!!!!”

44. I really deeply wish dat

u r here with me in my room.

on my bed & lights is off &

we get under the cover together..

2 show u my glow in the dark watch.

45. Two men went 2 a callgirl.

1st went in and came out n said

“Na my wife is better.”

2nd went in and came out n said

“U R right ur wife is much better.”

46. Three FEELINGS

what is the diference b/w stress,tension & panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

tension is when girlfriend is pregnant &

panic is when both r pregnant

47. Fair & lovely ke ad ma face dikhaya

Ponds ke ad ma hath dikhaya

Pentene ke ad ma baal dikhaye

Phir always ke ad ma cheating kyun?

48. A girl phoned me

the other day and said …

“Come on over, there’s nobody home.”

I went over. Nobody was home

49. In a bath room, a boy touches a girl everywhere! You Know whose that boy? Stupid It’s Lifeboy Soap! Dirty people always think dirty.

50. I want to suck you … lick you … wanna move my tongue all over you … wanna feel you in my mouth … yep, that’s how you … eat an ice cream!

51. If u Fuck a woman Nicely

U will b Loved for Lyf!

If u Luv a woman Nicely

U will b Fucked for Lyf!

Moral:

Strive for Quality Sex!

Which may equal Quality Luv-!

52. A man wanted 2 get married!He had a choice of 3 women!1st woz a rich docter,2nd woz a poor cleaner & 3rd woz a prostitute!WHO DID HE PICK?The 1 wid big tits!

53. Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!

54. I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Every thucking day!

55. HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN: caress excite cuddle fascinate spoil kiss rub tease pamper console worship respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN: blow job

56. Old mother Hubbard went 2 d cupboard 2 fetch d poor dog a bone. but when she bent over Rover took over & gave her a bone of his own!

57. Latest porn releases:shaving private ryan.position impossible.as big as it gets.forest hump.riding miss daisy.starwhores and pornocchio

58. I want triplets You want twins.Lets get in bed and see who wins!

59. I want to suck you... I want to lick you... I wanna move my tongue all over you... I want to feel you in my mouth... that's how u... eat an ice cream...

60. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

61. Sex is like pizza. When its good, its VERY GOOD. When its bad, its Still pretty good

62. A cat and a rooster sat by a lake, the cat fell in the lake, the rooster laughed! LESSON: when theres a wet pussy, there's a happy cock!

63. SEX is My Fav. I Do it regularly. Do it & Feel Gd! U'll enjoy it! I'll Die w/out SEX, S-Sleep, E-Eat, X-xercise, So do it everiday, gd for u.

64. Who is stronger, Man Or Woman? A: A woman bcoz she lifts 2 mountains on her chest while a man lifts 2 stones with the help of a crane.

65. Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife: Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged.

66. When I was born I got the choice, or a major dick, or a fine memory. I am not able to remember what I did choose.

67. American students say:.....people who never experience good sex and do not perform well in bed, usually read their SMS messages with their right hand.

68. A guy walks up to a girl and says: Wanna play *Magic*? She says: What's that? .....He says: We go to my place, have sex and than you dissappear.....

69. If your right leg was thanksgiving and Your left leg was Christmas could I meet U between the holidays?

70. Are these your eyes, I found them between my breasts!

71. Sex is evil and evil's a sin.but sins are forgiven so lets get stuck in!!

72. Jack & Jill went up da hill 2 have a little fun.But stupid Jill forgot da pill and now they have a son

73. Peter Peter Pumpkin eater.had a wife & liked to beat her.smacked her twice around da head. F**ked her arse & went 2 bed

74. A man said 2 his doctor 'everytime I look in the mirror I get an erection' the doctor said 'That's because u look like a cunt!

75. Once a elephant asked a camel:"Why do u have boobs on ur back?"Camel replied:"thats a fucking good question from someone with a dick on his face."

76. Difference between a hen and prostitute? Hen: Cock-a-doodle do. Pros: Any cock will do.

77. Woman complaining to dentist: "I'd rather get pregnant than have a tooth filled!" Dentist: Decide so I can adjust the chair accordingly..!

78. Newton's 3 laws. 1.Every man has a pole, woman has a hole 2.When pole enters hole, it produces a new soul 3.When hand in motion, it produces lotion.

79. Whats the difference btween a microwave oven and a woman? A microwave oven doesn't scream when u put a piece of meat in it.

80. What is the height of safe SEX?....... person Masturbating with CONDOM on.

81. Why do women have their breast on top? Because if they had it down, the 'PUSSY' would drink all the milk !

82. Guy says: Remember the 1st time I used alcohol as a substitute for girl. Wat happen? Asked his friend. Guy: Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.

83. 5 road signs which best describe female organs 1.deep excavation 2. Slippery when wet 3. Stop on red signal 4. Slow down curves and hump 5. Men at work

84. A guy walks up to a sexy babe n asks her if she would like to take part in a magic trick. She said OK. He says lets go to my place we fuck and then I disappear.

85. Nipple Nipple dont be far, can I Press u in my car. Up above the chest so high, always milky never dry. Let me suck u don't feel shy, in the braziers u will die

86. Man walked into ladies toilet. Lady who was inside shouted 'THIS IS EXCLUSIVELY FOR WOMEN'. The man, unzipping his pants said, 'THIS TOO'!

87. Mobile is the only thing that a man proudly says - Mine is smaller than yours!

88. I Tried Phone Sex Once, But The Holes Were Too Small.

89. A woman gave birth to 6 babies, on seeing this she got off the hospital bed and slapped her husband and shouted, "I told u not to do in doggy style."

90. Girl says: Mom, our neighbor's son have penis like peanut. Mom: Is it too small? Girl: No, its salty!!

91. Dear lady subscribers: due to a fault in magnetic field and signals of our service your handsets will vibrate for one hour So keep it in your pussy & enjoy! *Customer Care*

92. a kid asked the priest " father, what is your pastime? "the priest tapped the kid ' s shoulder and replied "Nun, my child, nun "

93. 75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.on their first night both were crying. why???coz she didn ' t know anything, and he had forgotten everything

94. Touch it gently.. Put ur finger inside.. If hole is big put three fingers..Rub it up & down gently .......... that's the right way ofwashing the glass!!!!!

95. What is the difference between a Cricketer and a Condom?Cricketer drops the catch, and a Condom     catchs the drops.

96. Why are women known as the best architects?Coz theyare the only one who can demolish an erection without damaging the structure...

97. Q.Why does the pleasure of Sex diminish after marriage?A: Because the realisation hits u that u are in bed with a relative.

98. Husband ask,"Do u know meaning of WIFE - Without Information Fighting Everytime!!!"Wife replies,"It means - With Idiot For Ever!!!

99. Son to Dad-Daddy, does a heart have legs? Dad-of course not! Son-don’t lie, I heard u saying ”sweet heart..spread ur legs!”

100. Woman: Teach me how to play tennis. Coach:Sure,hold the racket the way u hold ur lovers organ.Woman: ok Coach:Madam pls,take the racket out of ur mouth..

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